It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
