You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
