Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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