Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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