i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize