it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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