so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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