If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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