if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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