Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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