finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
