At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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