Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
