Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
