Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
