I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
