I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
