I need help removing her.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize