There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
