I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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