We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
