I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
