i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
