if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
