checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
