I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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