I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
