Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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