Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize