I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
