Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize