last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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