Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
