I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Farmville is her only friend.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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