i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
