swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
