I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize