He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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