WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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