everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
