Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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