I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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