we have pet lesbian snakes
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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