Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
