Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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