I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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