So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
