Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
