he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
