Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
