And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
