Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
