I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
