you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
