My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
