yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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