he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
