Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
