i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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