Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
