as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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