the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
