i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
