She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
